I first want to say that I KNOW I can and will do this and I don’t want anyone reading this to get discouraged. We all have what it takes to make it in this amazing health endeavor, I absolutely believe that 100%.
Some of us struggle more than others. I was hoping I was going to be one of the ones I have read about that had a fairly easy transition.. but unfortunately I am not.
I am in PAIN!
Well the last two days (Sunday and Monday) have been a cooked food festival at my house. My body does not handle cooked anywhere NEAR as well as it used to – already!.
I am actually up 5 pounds in two days. Even more scary to me is the fact that I could tell my blood pressure was WAY up and I have had a bad IBD flare the last two days also. This Pain Sucks – I have not had a flare at all in any of the last two months of Raw..
I was very afraid last night.. I am quick to forget this pain if I go a few weeks without it. Anyone with IBD (gastro thinks it’s Crohn’s) knows what I am talking about. I also had a bad headache and I could intuitively tell/feel that it had to do with my blood pressure. I have an extra 5 pounds of fluid on my body all of a sudden and it’s amazing how sick I got this quick.. I know this excess weight is very hard on my heart and I VOW to get back on track RIGHT NOW!!!
My headache was so bad last night that I could not sleep. It was in the top 3 worse headaches I have ever had. In the middle of the night I broke down and took a BC powder and finally fell asleep. I know having all the excess liquid in my body is very hard on me and my blood pressure was up because of it. I instantly wanted to fast again this morning but I know part of the problem is that I am get too into excess. I want to fast or juice fast and I know I don’t need that right now.. I think part of my problem was not controlling myself when I came off my juice feast.
I really think I need to talk more about how my choice of food effects me.
I am so tied into food emotionally AND physically.. I seriously felt the worst the last two days than I have felt in a very, very long time… my body was NOT happy. I know I am harming myself. I am causing myself physical harm with some of my food choices but I have a hard time keeping the focus. I start to focus on other things.. like the holidays and things I want to cook.. and feeling like I am not a good wife if I don’t have the house filled with the smells of something cooking for my husband when he gets home from work. I realize lately that so much about the house being filled with the smell of cooked food feels like love to me (or from me to him). I spent the entire day yesterday reading about recipes and imagining the things I wanted to cook my husband for the Fall. I totally threw aside my Raw plans and goals. Very quickly.
I see and feel the good I do when I am on Raw. I felt great… very light and was starting to have tiny glimmers of the bliss they talk about. I do think I need more guidance on how to do this without having blood sugar issues. I know more salads and less sweet fruit. I can figure it out but I think this is one of the worries in the back of my mind. I know as I lose weight my blood sugar will automatically get better.
I have got to stop killing myself with food… my poor body was so bloated my blood pressure skyrocketed.. I am sure it was really, really high. In a way I am glad my body did this to me. If I felt good I probably would not be so ready to get right back on right away.. It’s been 2 days only.. I can get the momentum back.
I FEEL SO NUMB INSIDE RIGHT NOW.. well except for the IBD pain. I still am having pain. It feels like pretty good menstrual cramps only now.. so I know from experience if I am careful with what I put in my mouth (I used to fast when I had a flare) I will be on the mend but I feel sad inside. I know I let myself down. I am sad.. very sad. SAD! S.A.D. makes me sad. I feel like crying almost. I really let myself down. I did not take care of and love myself.
I tried to numb myself again.. I remember sitting there the last night I stayed on my juice feast and seriously throwing a little temper tantrum.. I let my little inner child (she is keeping me fat) dictate to me that night. I decided "I just can’t do this anymore" (I had almost made it an additional day). and ate dinner.. a cooked vegan meal.. nuts and a banana. BUT then Sunday It started a roll of two days of eating and reading about food and totally immersing myself into food… I also had something frightening family wise come up that pushed me on that next day.. I gave in to emotional eating very much. It just started to snowball.
I decided I would give up Raw till the new year and "celebrate the season".. Cook all my old favorites "one last time".. hoorah! I went on my TV and started to record all these food cooking channels (I just deleted them) and just totally decided to change back to my old ways, overnight.
It is amazing how my psyche worked against me. It’s like I was coming up with these reasons to NOT continue and my psyche was showing me things in support of that .. the season is here, the Fall foods.. cooking and the house smelling nice when Patrick gets home. Like that’s the only way I can show him I love him. With some cooked meal. I can show him I love him by helping him be healthy too.. and having a nice uncooked meal when he gets home!
I know I can also make my psyche work FOR me.. I decide I am RAW again and it will show me ways to do this.. the universe WILL support me I am very sure of that.
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Food Today:
-1 Orange.. I remember thinking I can't wait till citrus season! We live in the middle of a bunch of groves.. this poor orange was sad and dry. December will bring wonderful ruby grapefruit and different types of oranges.. Yummo
-an apple
-another apple a couple of hours later
-and then another apple
-about 2:45pm I had about 3/4 C of raw cashews (was feeling pretty hungry..) they held me till about 4:30pm..
-then I had 3 very small yellow sour mangos. They were surprisingly good to me today!
-DH is picking up a baked potato (dry) with broccoli and chives from Wendy's (don't have anything much else to eat in the house and didn't feel well enough to get to the store today).. I will add a T of CO to it for my butter..
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