Day Four of My Juice Feast/Fast~

This is going to be a long post.. I have so much I want to write about!

Today I reached a personal goal.. I am now at the weight I was the day my DH and I married 12 years ago. This was my first weight goal and it’s taken me a year and a half.
I feel so proud, so amazed that I am finally freeing myself of the oppression of my fat. I know, to me oppression is a pretty serious word but I set here trying to think of a word that describes how it feels to me to be fat and it feels.. "to be held down " to me. I have so many emotions I am going thru right now.. it’s like they are all whirling around inside and every once in a while one will surface and then swirl away then another will surface and go and another. I don’t think I have even begun to actually scratch the surface.

Temptation:Well yesterday I was on the phone with my sis "S" and we were talking about getting together for Thanksgiving. I said I wanted to make some good raw cranberry sauce and maybe I could figure out a way to make dressing in a Vegan way and started thinking about the holidays and started to feel SORRY for myself and for a fleeting minute was tempted to just call it a day with the juice fast and make something "wonderful" for my DH for dinner. I always feel guilt when I am really restricting my eating because I can’t cook for him.. I just can’t. (he us eating Amy’s vegan meals right now).

I have used feeding him a nice meal as a reason to go off my plan, many times... whatever. I got over it quickly but I know as the weeks go by it’s going to be more and more difficult. I want to get healthy and slender. I am thru with excuse-making, rationalization and BS.. Sabotage and such. I am thru with willful ignorance. There is so much I want to do with my life but I feel stagnant because of this FAT. I feel in limbo.. like I am not really living.

Thankful for the VAULT!
These weigh in’s in the Vault are really going to help me. I’ve never been a "joiner".. I am much more of a loner but I am glad I did this. The accountability is already helping my commitment.
I know I can make several wonderful raw things for the holidays I am just not ready to start thinking about them NOW!

In the World of Weird:
I laid down for a few minutes yesterday afternoon and before I knew it I had slept for an hour and a half.. had a weird sort of quick dream (only thing I can remember) a door opening and a voice saying "Welcome Home"... I didn't see anyone in my dream.. but it was a male voice.  Interesting and honestly it freaked me out a bit!

More dreams:
Dreams last night.. I felt more like they were sad memories and I actually woke up after each of them.. I had two dreams. Both of them were from when I was in my 20’s.
I felt sad for what I had been thru (my 20’s were pretty horrid years) and started to think about how loved I am now.. and knew I needed to start the work on letting all that old heart ache fall away..
I think these are memories that are bubbling up for me to deal with as I do this cleanse.. I think I am sort of cleansing my soul. I realized that I have had lots of pain in the past.. more than I thought – or more than I have thought about in a long time. I was very alone back then and felt that way.. I also got very good and closing myself off and not feeling a thing. I think I am supposed to be working on that also.. feeling more.
I mostly feel I am supposed to honor the fact that I was very sad and hurt and alone and I made it thru. I found a great love and learned to love myself and now I have a very happy and comfortable life. I can let that all go now.. the past does not have to hold me down.Yesterday I was good in the Am, Low.. in the afternoon and nil at night.. even took a nap today.. sleeping during the day is not like me but since I have started Raw I have need naps during the day every once in a while.

Of Note:
I woke up twice last night to go to the bathroom.. I never do that. Didn’t’ feel like I got good rest.
-I am really sensitive to smells! I walked past the cat box and almost fainted. (well not really but you get the picture) and it’s been changed recently. Ugg.
-Yesterday I was not hungry for quite some time.. only got in two quarts of juice. It’s amazing how I can feel a bit shaky and need sustenance and drink juice and be good for 3+ hours.. it’s wonderful.
-I have this burgundy velvet size L hoodie I bought for inspiration and it was a bit cold this morning and I decided to try it on and it fits.. not tight at ALL.. can I get a Hell Yes!
-I had to have a serious nap yesterday again.. feel so blessed that I can actually lay down in the middle of the day but felt a twinge of guilt..

Detox:
Lots of itching and really tired yesterday. Emotional detox big time!

Food Today:
Juice with 2 apples, half an orange and half a lemon and 1 teaspoon MSM
Will update more as the day goes on

Lastly:
Ok.. TMI alert.. if you are squeamish (I am) stop reading now, ok?

Ok.. I am a southern girl and was raised to not talk openly about "potty issues" and still feel very uncomfortable about it.. but I am here for my Raw friends and wanted to discuss this because I think it's very important. I have to tell you I did a coffee enema yesterday. Lets just say I was successful.. I want to say that I am very surprised I decided to do this. I actually bought an enema bag a year ago during a gall/liver cleanse and could never convince myself it was needed. After doing research on the reason for coffee enemas.. I was sold. If you believe you would never want to do such a thing - well do some research. And believe me if I can do an enema anyone can.. I am extremely squeamish.
I was able to actually hold it for about 8 min. the whole 4C. Which I have read is impressive for your first attempt *pats myself on the back* I didn’t get the full 15 min in! I all of a sudden felt these familiar little waves on my lower back that signal I have to go BAD – I have felt these before with Senna tea.. I got up off my little bathroom pillow bed and plopped myself down on the toilet. Ok.. just wow is all I can say. It went on for about 5-7 min – I just set there and smiled.. proud of myself for being able to do this.. I was surprised how much rushed out.. considering I have had no solid food in 3 days now..
　
Ok!  Signing off now!