OMG.. WTF. and whatever..

NOTE TO READERS.. I am really upset right now so if you are actually reading this blog (AS IF), I tend to curse ALLOT to myself when I am really pissed so you have a little warning.  Whatever..


Scroll down for my bitch fest...












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RANT:

Last night I screwed up big time. I ate a nasty damn sandwich I had been trying to talk myself out of all day yesterday (temptation mentioned in yesterday's post - should have thrown out the makings for the damned thing~!) with lots of nasty mayo and gross globby, fake plastic cheese all the while asking myself WTF is wrong with my fat ass that I find this shit/crap food GOOD?!  Fuck me.

Fucking sandwich...

I am so SO mad at myself that this morning I woke up and decided to fast today.. . This shit sucks, I have got to get my ass together.

My back is hurting bad again, I can not sit for very long and even laying down it’s hard to get comfortable. What if my discs in my back are wasted because of this weight.. this really pisses me off.. I am hurting my body with this fucking disgusting FAT! I have got to get this flab OFF. I seriously know that I would feel so much better without lugging around an extra 100 pounds! Damn it!!!
I am tired of this shit. No more bringing crap in the house. I am making DH a sandwich to take to work for breakfast and the rest of the crap is going in the TRASH!… fucking ate lots of kettle shit chips too.
Sooooo..... Fasting today with lots of green tea (already made it.. something about the green tea helps keep my appetite at bay, I think it’s because it is slightly bitter, I actually like it on ice).. DH and I got some of the green tea with the popped rice in it.. I like to drink it hot, it’s actually good.. tastes a little like popcorn.. it makes for a bit more mild and rich flavor. I will be reading and relaxing a lot today. Tomorrow I will have fruit all day until dinner and for dinner I will have coconut (one of the Raw Thai Young ones from the Oriental mkt). I need to plan what I can do for Patrick..

I am so damned sick of this gross ass FAT.  Why do I keep on screwing around? 

Rant over...


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So it's noon and I am really not hungry.  I am starting to feel a little less angry with myself.  I know I need to really do some soul searching and figure out what seems to be keeping me in the self sabotage.

I have been reading more of my Raw food movement sites.  Working on Angela Stokes "Revealing the Physical Changes" ebook that I downloaded.  I have several of her books from her RawReform site.  She has lost over 150 pounds.  Right on Angela.  You are a true inspiration..
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I laid in the sun on my chaise and read for about 45min.. drifted off to sleep for a few minutes. I had a couple of interesting thoughts I wanted to write about.


In the past I have wavered between the “kind and gentle” “love yourself no matter what” and the harsh, prideful, hard on myself, angry view of my reality. I hate being fat. I hate the fat on my body.. I HATE the fat.. not myself.

I came to the reality today it’s ok to feel these feelings. I am not hurting myself admitting that I am sick of this shit… that I am wasting my life in this flab. I realized that the harsher look at what I am doing to myself, my life, my BODY is ok!  It's freaking OK!  It's REAL.  I HAVE TO LIVE IN A LITTLE REALITY FOR A FUCKING CHANGE.. Seriously I am not doing myself any favors feeling all sweet and fluffy and gentle about my body, my life.  Having this sing songy (for lack of a better description) attitude.. It's like seeing my flab thru rose colored glasses!  I am not really LOOKING at myself.. Not admitting what I have done to myself, I have truly just put my life on hold, been totally self indulgent for MONTHS!. This fat acceptance shit has got to go. I truly need to lose 100 pounds (as of this morning I weigh 222# and am only 5' 4".  I need a little more truth in my life. I need TO REALLY SEE MYSELF!  This is some serious shit.

Girl it's time to....

Well, Thank God It's Monday @#$*$%#!

Well I didn’t do so good over the weekend.
Pretty much total pig out with my sista!

I ate dim sum and sushi on an outing with my sister and her family (sort of a tradition when we get together) and we were celebrating her first successful semester at college (so there needed to be a celebration!)

We went out to Hoolihan's and I had heavy, dairy filled veggie enchiladas and three sweet martini drinks.

I ate lots of gauc with chips and drank diet cokes. I pretty much just said oh to fucking hell with it all weekend and I had such good plans! 

By Sunday nite I was excited to be back on.   DH and I got some young coconuts at the Oriental market and DH opened one last night. It was really good.

I am going to have the other tomorrow nite.
I ate fruit till about noon today but was really hungry and wanted to instantly make a sandwich with stuff my sister left that we bought for her boys.. (kept it to make DH sandwiches for lunch) and kettle chips - some of my favorite crap food.. I almost had the sandwich made in my mind and just told myself Well Hell NO !!! and ate like ¾ a cup of nuts (was very hungry) until I felt like I made it thru the desire to eat that damned DEAD sandwich. 

It's been a couple of hours and I am surprising still fine (not hungry) after the nuts.  Going to have a huge salad for dinner and plan nothing but fruit all day tomorrow with my second young coconut for dinner.  Yummo.

I started a double batch of corn/zucchini/sunflower/flax cracker/bread in my dehydrator. I will need these to help me continue on raw.. I have to have some concentrated food.. I know right now my dehydrator is not the best (I think it pretty much cooks the food on the bottom two trays) but It’s what I have so I am using it - saving for a new one as soon as I can..

I still am sure I am at least 70% raw even with the crackers if they are cooked! I am slowly building up some supplies.. my raw nuts should be in soon. I have been eating "natural" nuts and figure they are not truly Raw as I know the "Raw" almonds at WholeFoods are not (earlier post on that).

Be back soon!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Good Morning~

I am down 3 pounds!

Ya.. feeling pretty good. Very light and energetic EVEN with the detox.
Having itching all over my skin (I've read this is yes, another detox symptom).  Even my hands and fingers.

Again with really bad diarrhea (fun ha? ugg!) this morning.
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So......
I ate 90% raw yesterday. Yesterday was actually day three at 70-90% raw. I had been eating an Amy’s Organics meal at dinner a couple of times and raw the rest of the day.

I am committing to eating as close to 100% raw for the next 10 days as I can.

So this is DAY 1 of as High Raw (95% at least - because of my "not truly raw" almonds damn it!):

My truly raw almonds I ordered are not in yet (almonds that you buy in the stores are NOT truly raw even if they say they are, even at WholeFoods because The CA Almond Board (almonds grown in the US are pretty much all from CA) instated an industry wide pasteurization on all of their nuts now):
http://www.almondboard.com/FoodProfessionals/Documents/Pasteurization_Sheet%205.22.09.pdf
and
http://www.naturalnews.com/021776.html

I have been buying my almonds (and Marcona! YUM!) from Spain but have run out (they are not pasteurized there) and just found a small farm in CA that has found a way to sell them in small amounts. (they can sell up to 100# a day in road side stands to locals – unpasteurized). I ordered 5# Almonds and 5# Walnuts.. really raw YEAH! 

Anyway what I was getting at is that I am still eating nuts that are not “truly” raw. My almonds and cashews (got both coming to me that are truly raw, soon). so even at the very best I can do I only think I can be 95-98% raw.
My sunflower seeds and sesame seeds are truly raw.. as are my raisins.

Food Yesterday:

For breakfast I had my corn/zucchini crackers with avocado, tomato and onion on top.. man they were GOOD..

and fruit (apples – 3) over the next 4 hours with lots of water with greens powder (I am actually getting to where I like this fine.)  I will be doing green shakes soon.  I have a Vitamix just have to stock up on all the GREENS!

For a very late lunch I had a large bowl of broccoli, carrot, raisin slaw (love this stuff). It’s shredded broccoli, celery and carrots with raisins, raw honey (just a bit) fresh lime juice (LOTS), and sunflower seeds.
This keeps well for three days in the fridge and is actually even better the 2nd and 3rd day because the raisins get plump.

It’s so fresh and tart and sweet. I had about a cup of it with a couple more corn/zucchini (posted recipe yesterday) crackers.

For dinner I had black sesame and raw garlic humus with broccoli spears.  It was not much, I didn't need much.  I was actually very satisfied all day.

I will start posting my food everyday, from the day before.   I get motivated reading other's blogs and hope that someday someone will come across mine after I have lost all my weight and am HEALTHY and a huge Raw advocate and read my blog and gain insite and motivation from it like I have THIS blog:

http://www.fromsadtoraw.com/Journals/Michelle/2004.htm

I am reading a bit of Michelle's story each day, I find myself reading it a little at a time because I don't want to get thru it too quickly!  It's so amazing to watch her change and I want to take my time and really READ it.  Michelle is amazing.

Blarg..

Well I had really bad diarrhea this morning (whatever, TMI?).. I think all the raw grains were not a good idea.  (had too much of this Raw grain cereal).  I am also having itching on my palms and fingers.  I wonder if this stuff is detox symptoms?


Today is a new day though.  I am very excited. 
Going to have lots of veggies and some fruits today. 

I have cherries and apples and peaches in the way of fruits. 

I will have veggies for dinner.. I have cucumber, avocado, onion, broccoli and red bell. I will have a huge salad for dinner with some hot tea.

Oh and I made the raw corn zucchini “bread” in the dehydrator I put in yesterday.. It's out this morning... I did this recipe:

Raw Corn Bread
1 c ground almonds
1 c ground sunflower seeds
1 c fresh corn cut off cob (used three ears)
2 fresh zucchini processed in food processor
1 t salt
2 T honey
2 Jalapeno (with seeds)


I chopped the almonds ahead of time in the food processor and then shredded the zucchini then cut the corn off the cobs and chopped the jalapeno seeds and all. Put it all in the food processor and blended.. it was pretty watery. I spread it on parchment. I made two different thicknesses. The ones that I did fairly thin (about 3” around and ¼ inch thick) dried fine and peeled off the parchment ok.. the ones that I tried to make thicker for “bread” didn’t peel off they just were too thick.

I really do need to invest in a new dehydrator though.. I could smell it as it was dehydrating and I am pretty sure that meant the bottom layer was "cooking"!

Also I need to start sprouting my seeds and nuts before using them.. at LEAST soaking them overnight.  I have to get a process down. 

This morning I had one of the crackers with avocado, tomato and onion on it and man it was GOOD!

The Original recipe was for a corn bread.. I added the zucchini myself.  Original recipe from here: http://www.lovingsuperfoods.com/blog/raw-recipes/raw-corn-bread

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It’s 12:30 and I am doing very good. Just made myself a green drink with powder and water.. It's not bad.. just drinking it with ice like I could water.

I found a post I really like that goes into alot about the Raw food movement right now.. :
http://www.rawfreedomcommunity.info/forum/showthread.php?t=6444

It's a real eye opener.  I think everyone should read it, REALLY.

I like what she says about reading some of the original authors of the movement:

"I would highly encourage newbies to go to check for more original works, books by Bernard Jensen, Norman Walker, Dr. Ann Wigmore, Harvey & Marilyn Diamond (Fit For Life I and II), J.H. Tilden (Toxemia Explained), Herbert Shelton, Viktoras Kulvinskas, Edward Howell and more. Read the primary sources and form your own opinions, don't rely on the opinions and interpretations of others. "


I have read lots about Ann Wigmore, actually her teachings are what really got me into Raw.  I want to get more into sprouts.

My type of personality tends to get overwhelming when anything new is brought into my life.. I am so black or white.. all or nothing.  I really want to approach Raw in a more gentle way this coming to HIGH Raw.. not 100% right off.

 

So much to learn...

Well today is two days totally veggie and about 60-75% Raw. 

I've been reading and taking in as much as I can.  I have a very long way to go.  I really need a good dehydrator, I have an old round ronco that I inherited.. only the two top racks really are ok to use.. the lower ones allow the food to get to hot. 

I just got back from the store.. bought some tomatos to dehydrate.  I LOVE dried tomato.  I can eat them like candy.  I am actualy drying them to use in a SW cracker recipe I love and have done several times in the past.

I also got some fresh corn and zuchinni.  I am going to try to do a combo of several recipes I have found and do a breakfast type "bread" to put avo and onion and fresh tomato and maybe a nut cheese on, for breakfasts.

I am transitioning to as much Raw as I can but still eating cooked.
I bought some Bob's Red Mill Musli.  I didn't realize it was not even organic.  It does not say it's raw.. just whole grain.  Anyway I had not eaten all day and on the way home started munching on it just dry.  Before I knew it, half the bag was gone.  It has dates and raisins in it and tasted very sweet to me. 

I guess it was not the best option!  I was going to make some raw nut milk and cashew kream to put on it for our breakfast.. I even got some raw honey. 

There are so many foods that are trigger foods for me.  Oh well, live and learn!  I won't be buying that again.

Will post my recipes for the corn/zuchinni bread as soon as I get it figured out.  Going to make my SW crackers in a couple of days and some Raw hummus to go with.  Still have to get garbanzo beans from WholeFoods.. mom said she got some from the bulk area and they sprouted.  I am going to try. 

Here is my fav. cracker so far, I came up with this thru several incarnations of crackers.  Finally I think it's perfect.. VERY flavorful:

Cary's SouthWest Flax Crackers

1/2 cup julienned sundried tomatoes

1/2 cup flax seed
2 cloves garlic, pressed
1 small jalapeño, seeded and minced
1/4 cup fresh cilantro leaves chopped fine
Juice from a LARGE lemon
1 T lemon rind
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/4 cup ground raw sunflower seed or raw pumpkin seeds
1 teaspoon sea salt
Fresh ground pepper
Nama Shoya
Directions:
Soak sundried tomatoes for at least 1 hour in just enough water to cover them. (I added a T of Shoya to the water)
Soak flax seed for at least 2 hours in just enough water to keep them from clumping. (I soak mine over night in the fridge)
Put sundried tomatoes and soaking water in a blender pitcher (before I had a vitamix I had to do this a little at a time in a regular blender. Add garlic, jalapeño, cilantro, and olive oil to pitcher. Blend until you get a slightly chunky paste. Pour tomato paste into a bowl and stir in flax seed, ground sunflower or pumpkin seed, and sea salt.

Spread on teleflex sheets or parchment (parchment works FINE, I was really suprised)I using a rubber spatchula.
Dehydrate at 105 degrees Fahrenheit for 3-4 hours. Using a knife, carefully cut into squares or you can just break them into chip/cracker type pieces at the end. Continue to dry for and additional 6 hours. Flip crackers and dry until crisp. I generally dehydrate for a total of about 18 hours. You can use more or less jalapeño, depending on your taste.

These are really, REALLY good and very addictive.  I love the cilantro, lemon and jalapeno mix with the salt. 

Dieting in the past..

I wanted to post about my dieting history over the last year.

I have wavering back and forth between Veggie, to low carb, to raw then back to veggie and doing low carb veggie style... 

I have never really been serious enough for long enough.  I've been kidding myself and allowing myself to be too indulgent, coming up with excuses to eat crap constantly lately.  I have gained 10 pounds in the last month because I have just been lazy and not wanted to make healthy meals.  Being indulgent (I've got a little temper tantrum throwing child in my psyche that needs to be taken back under control). 

I have not really looked hard at my health.  It's always been about losing weight.  Now it's about my life, my wanting to have a better quality of life in my late 40's.  I feel so freaking old and achey and slow and have zero energy, I hate the way I look.. so matronly, old and not the least bit sexy.  I am so fat it's starting to really piss me off and I think that is what it's finally going to take

I really LOVE the Raw lifestyle, the community of people is amazing and it's a huge movement.  It's about so much more than just weight... actually the weight loss is a small secondary part of the movement.

I did well on Raw before but ended up eating too much fruit and dealing with what I think was systemic candida and only very low carb helped keep it at bay.  It's also LOTS of work and I didn't prepare my weeks ahead of time well most of the time.   The planning is really important.

This time I am going to be more careful with the fruit and right now stick to only low GI fruit.. right now only berries and apples and I am going to commit to spending every Friday (like today) planning the next weeks food and ideas and then shopping on the weekends.  I do have to go again during the week because of course fresh foods don't last as long as packaged, preserved pseudo crap food.

I am also going to focus on my liver.  Do some detox liver stuff.  I have a few recipes for juice combos for liver detox I am going to be using. 

Today I am fasting until dinner.  really because there is nothing in the house to eat!  I have one Amy's organic veggie meal left in the freezer... It will be dinner and I am getting up early in the am to go to the store.

I will be working my best to be totally veggie and as high Raw as possible starting out. 

I will work my way up.  I am sure I will be eating some Amy's meals from time to time (quick and easy and veggie organic) and doing some cooked meals as well.. I will work my way up to as High Raw as I can but I will take my time.

Most of the truly Raw people have taken over a year to get there.  It's not easy and I think the reason I failed before is because I had an all or nothing attitude.

Brand New Blog..I'm going High Raw~

Brand new blog.
I am going High Raw.. hopefully to some day be totally Raw Vegan.

I need to lose 100 pounds and I am going to write about my successes and struggles and bitch here and there I am sure. 

Today I weigh 225 pounds and am only 5' -4"

I am more worried about my health than I have ever been.   The flab on my bod is getting crazy out of control and I have to take back my health.  I am going to do this NOW before it's too late.

I am very lucky to not be on any meds yet although I am borderline diabetic.  I have struggled with my weight for 15 years.

I Just wanted to get this blog started with a quick post to have a symbol of a new committment for myself.  I will be back with much more soon.