Back home..

after a visit with my mother and sister.  They both have illnesses they are dealing with (mom MS and sis Crohn's disease).  It was a hard time.. my sis had to go to the ER.  I was so glad I was there.  I did exceptionally well diet wise while I was there.

I stayed high raw and totally Vegan..  In the past I would have given into the sadness and fear I feel about my sister and used it as an excuse to shove food in my face.

I didn't.  If anything seeing her deal with this horrid disease strengthened my resolve to do everything I can for my health.
 
I cooked dinner for everyone one night and made a HUGE amazing salad to go with that I ate.  I did have cooked kidney beans and beets in the salad.. I love that combo so much and don't know that I will ever give it up.. I love garbanzo also but in the future I am going to see about soaking/sprouting those babies.. will see.

I am slowly changing.. one thing interesting is I have stopped coffee.  I used to be such a coffee fiend.. like most people... I even had over 14 different Davinci flavors I had collected to use in our coffee.. I would always bring my DH a cup in bed in the AM to get him to wake up.. it was a ritual.. I still do that for him but I have hot lemon water as mine.. it's strange about the coffee... I just don’t crave it right now.. my body is getting more juicey! 

I KNOW I was totally dehydrated on low carb.  I had a hard time wearing my contacts because my eyes were constantly dry.  I could never do anything or go anywhere without constant water with me.  I had glasses of water everywhere in the house.. and bottles in the car.  My poor body really was  dehydrated!   

Normally when I would grocery shop I would buy two bottles of cold water.. drink one and a half while I was shopping and the rest on the way home.. my mouth was constantly dry.  

The other day I actually went to the store.. did all my shopping and when I was checking out I realized I had not got my usual bottles of water I HAVE to always have when I am shopping.. I was constantly thirsty for a year.. I know now it was low carb.. my body is starting to get refreshed and re-hydrated.  

I know now when I lose weight it will not fucking be water like it always was on low carb!  I am eating TONS of fruit.  I am eating as much as I want.. the only thing I think I might need to work on is not combing fruit and nuts within an hour of each other.. right now I am eating what I want as long as it’s raw.. I am taking a much less severe approach this time.. no longer worrying about or striving for perfection.

I realized I ate like 95% raw yesterday without even trying - I have Amy's organics vegan meals in the freezer for dinners when I want to eat cooked but I wanted a salad!..  I ate fruit and nuts all day until dinner and had a wonderful salad.. it was Avocado, shreadded carrot, beets, peas, fresh corn, heirloom tomato, two types of lettuce, kidney beans (yum.. not giving up beans!).  I used really amazing balsamic vinegar only as the dressing.. I love it!

I loved it and it was very filling!

I have to go back to the store today.. I am having to go more often and buying less produce at a time.. I find it goes bad too quick if I really stock up.  I need more fruit and tonight I am making my spiral zucchini/summer squash and raw marinara to go with it... it's not 100% raw as I add red wine to the sauce but it's really high raw!. 

I am adding in some leftover raw Italian cashew “cheese” I have been making.. it’s just pine nuts, cashews, Italian spices, lemon juice, raw garlic and nutritional yeast.. I love it.. I used to also add basil to it and dehydrated it to make “raw Parmesan”.. tonight I am going to just add a little to some of the sauce.  YUM!

I will weigh in tomorrow..

Dreaming Of My Upcoming Juice FEAST~

Just got back today from a 3 day visit with my sister and mother.. I did exceptionally well.. I didn't do even 75% raw but I fasted most of the day each day and had juice a time or two and made a HUGE salad night before last for dinner.. well and last night I had Mexican so I'm puttin' that out there.

I know I have lost weight.. I can just feel it and can't wait to get on the scale in the AM.

I am planning on a juice feast soon!
I just feel so READY.

I will make a plan and I would LOVE to do 30+ days.  I know people do many more days that that but the most I have been able to do is 7 days.  I am not setting a # of days as a goal yet.  I really want to get down to like 185 before I come off but that's over 40 pounds.

Anyway just had to come write.  I am proud of myself.  I even had to take my sister to the ER (she has serious Crohn's disease) and didn't binge or pig out.  There is so much stress in my life right now.  My mother has MS also and I just feel so sad allot of the time.. Helpless and sad.

BUT I kept strong and told myself I am doing this no matter what.
I will weigh tomorrow.

Nighty!

Fruit.. Hummm?

I am concerned (like many people going to high raw) about eating too much fruit.  (I used to be borderline diabetic but was on low carb for several months and don't think I am anymore but I have not tested in a year).

I think I ate too much fruit yesterday.. I had three bananas just for breakfast.. then mango and half a HUGE papaya.  I wish I knew for sure that the sugar in fruit is not good for me but I am going to try to eat less sweet fruit on a daily basis.. I bought lots of greens yesterday so I am all set!


FOOD YESTERDAY:
I had fruit all day till lunch then I had two large crackers with avo, red onion, tomato and capers (for the crackers I used my new recipe for raw dehydrated red bell pepper ones)! :

 (this is my own recipe.. I worked on getting it just right.  If you post it please give me credit).

Red Bell Pepper Raw Crackers

red, yellow and orange bell peppers (one each or a combo)
about 15 grape tomato
half a FL Avocado(or one Haas)
Tomatoes (about 15 grape.. I am going to use sundried next time)
lemon juice  from one lemon
1 C flax seeds (I'm trying 2/3 C  it was a tiny bit bitter)
and sunflower seeds.. 1 C
nutritional yeast about 2 T
salt and cayenne.. 

I put the veggies, avo and lemon juice in the food processor and blended.. then I added 1 Cup each of flax and sunflower seeds and nutritional yeast and a little salt (I love Sunfire Salt!) and cayenne.. 

They turned out great!   
I wanted to note that the salt you add ends up tasting like TWICE the salt you actually added when you dehydrate it.. So just keep that in mind.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They were really good.. I made them so I can have my favorite raw food dinner, I spread them with smashed avo, then add red onion, tomato and capers for an open face “cracker sandwich”…

I had two large crackers with this on it for lunch. It's so good.  

Then I think I had more fruit.. mango maybe.. I think I just am eating too much fruit.  I really enjoy it but I am pretty sure it’s just because it’s sweet not because I need it.. nutrition wise.. I NEED greens I am sure.   

Dinner was two HUGE bowls of raw apricot granola from Natural Zing with almond/coconut milk (not raw.. Almond Breeze brand from Netrition.com) and I pigged out on it.. I KNOW so far I have actually still been losing weight even eating what I think is too much at night because I am so low cal the rest of the day from all the raw fruits and veggies.. I KNOW many people who go raw have to pig out on nuts and seeds and sprouted grains and dehydrated stuff in the beginning to feel full.. the transition is very hard otherwise.

Yesterday I was watching my RAW for life DVD and one of the Dr’s talked about how diabetes is also caused by the pancreas not getting enough minerals that it used more minerals than any other organ in our body.. wow. I KNOW my year on low carb depleted minerals from my body.  I even had a fainting episode because of loss of electrolytes (minerals).

PLAN FOR TODAY.

I plan on fasting with water until I am really hungry later today and then having a green smoothie or green juice..  I will use only an apple or two in my juice/smoothie.   

For dinner today I am making Avocado / Pineapple Gazpacho and I am sure it will be great with my red bell pepper crackers!  I love that my hubs is eating raw too.. he's no where near High Raw but he will eat what I make for sure.  

DEtox yet?
 Yesterday I woke feeling fine and did fine until nighttime…when nighttime rolled around I got a headache and my sinus got stuffy and I just felt like crap again.  I have been getting over a bad cold and I think it was just the nature of a bad cold.. at night it gets worse.. I have no idea which it is going on really!  Maybe I’ve already started detox because I AM high raw even though about 40% of it is dehydrated raw..
I am excited and encouraged.  Yeah!  I am one of those crazy people who is fascinated by Detox!

Lastly!
I made an attempt at my first raw wraps yesterday!  I decided on onion/green apple.  (for lunch wraps).. they green apple is not really sweet.. just counteracts the onion a bit and the pectin makes for a nice wrap.  I just turned them over and I am excited as they look like they turned out.. I just have to be careful not to over dehydrate them now.  Yeah!

I Am Losing Weight..

I'm Really tired.. Just want to stay in bed all day today.

I've lost 3 pounds in a couple of days.  I am eating raw breakfast and lunch and snacks but a cooked vegan dinner.. so far. And I am pigging out at night the last two nights on my dinners even.

I have had one really bad binge (yesterday) on two English muffins and honey butter.. but it's a work in progress.. I know my cravings for crap will sooner or later lessen.

I don't feel like writing much but I wanted to post that I feel encouraged...

I have been seeing more and more raw foodists that I followed before admitting that they are no longer perfect and some no longer even 100% Vegan (eating eggs and/or salmon)... this makes me feel better, knowing that I don't have to strive for perfect really encourages me to do the BEST I can and that my best will be good enough. 

Our cruise was fun but yet another eye opener...

We took a quick little three night cruse on the Norwegian Sky.  I just got so tired so quickly each day. I am so heavy that it makes life in general hard and when we are doing something that keeps me really active all day It really is so obvious to me how this fat holds me back.  I felt like I wasted each night because as my husband was just gearing up to go to the casino.. around 10PM.. I had to go to bed.. exhausted.

The cruise had lots of active things we could have done at night.. dancing at several bars.. even salsa instructions (I would have LOVED that but I am too fat and even if I DID have the energy I would have felt too self conscious).  There was a supposedly great comedian on the ship but he was adults only and at 10:30 PM and I was always just too tired.  I would have loved to just go to the piano bar and slow dance with my husband but I had zero energy after about 8pm and it got worse each day.. I did good to do anything.

The first night we just pigged out and drank booze and then I had to go to bed.. fun, yes I am so much fun.
My reasoning was because I would need all my "energy" for the next day.  Norwegian owns a private island "Stirrup Cay".. We had originally wanted to kayak.. and maybe snorkel.. but I would have none of that.. just too much for me.  I am 100+ pounds overweight.

We decided to hike around a bit... to check out the island and I made it a while.. longer than I thought I would.  I estimate maybe we walked a mile out and a mile back.. on the way back I was bitching and could hardly get my breath.. we then found a little cove that was pretty private.. there was a woman there sunbathing topless and I wished I had a good body so I could have done something like that.. it was such a private island.. I don't blame her.  Another reminder of how my fat body does not fit my life's plan.  I want to be fun and sexy and live an adventurous life too.. but I am wasting it in this fat suit.

Anyway we got in the water in the little cove.. there were only maybe two other people there.  We swam a bit and DH sweetly picked me up and held me on top of the water... I remember thinking I wish he could do this out of the water.. I am so huge though, I just looked down at my huge fat body as he was doing it and instead of feeling sweet and sexy I was of course self conscious.

I enjoyed the swim so much.. I felt so light and free.. then when we walked out of the surf.. with each step the heaviness of my body was more apparent.  Feeling the difference from being so light in the water to just so heavy in just a few steps.. well I just felt so enormous then.. I could really feel my full weight and what a hardship it is on me.  I felt sad.  This second was when I decided I wanted to get back to raw.. all the amazing fruit offered on the Island didn't hurt either!  I ate nothing but raw fruit for lunch.. at least for that meal I did something nice for my body.

That night we pigged out again.. on one of the buffets.. I didn't even really enjoy it that much.


The next day we went to the Atlantis.  We walked the Dig and walked a bit more.. until I was exhausted (pretty quickly) and then sat and had lunch.. I had a raw salad and a bottle of Perrier.. LOVE that bubbly so much.  I was proud of myself.  Then on our way back to the boat, walking thru a little shopping area and found these Tortuga Rum Cakes we had bought on our previous cruise.. they taste amazing and I ate two of them and then had ice cream too.. by the time we were back on the cruise.. I was having horrid.. seriously bad heart burn.. I know all the pigging out I have done inflamed my hiatal hernia issue and let thru lots of acid.. the next AM I actually could feel burns in my throat.. I was afraid.. and angry with myself for not ever having any fucking self control.. to the point I was actually physically hurting.

When we got back we went to SouthBeach when we left the boat.. I had originally planned on walking lots that day.. I love SouthBeach so much but I could only make it about 8 blocks… we sat and had breakfast.. I had raw fruit (yeah!).. and then we headed home.. that was last night.. and last night I quickly ate two of the rum cakes when we unpacked them.. I know I have an issue with sweets.. I felt bad and asked DH to please hide them so we can actually GIVE them as gifts..

I made a cooked meal last night but woke with strong resolve to change this AM.  I am going to quit putting food before my health.. I love myself more than any damn fucking food.  I remember my last foray into Raw -  how I became so in touch with my body.. It was good.. and bad.  I know it will help in the long run.. I know I have so much crap I have “dealt with” in my life by stuffing it down with food.  

The last time I came off Raw I had a horrid emotional detox day (emotional detox is very real and for anyone that has had any type of abuse it can be very hard) that day was incredibly scary and painful.  I had these incredible feelings of what felt like a dark evil around me.. I felt rage and hate.  It scared the shit out of me and the next day I stopped.. just stopped Raw at all.  I just gave in and quit.

I will promise myself to face this stuff as it comes up this time.. I have to feel it.  I just do.

I'm BACK - I keep being drawn back to Raw..

I am coming back to raw starting today.  In the past I've done it several times thru the summer.. one time for over 3 months.  I always try to make it too hard.  I titled this Blog "High Raw" because I wanted to not put so much pressure on myself to strive for that 100% because it just feeds my "all or nothing" mentality and has been my "Raw Downfall" in the past...

Here I am this AM.. so much has happened in the last couple of months.  My health is declining.. my body aches.  My back is so unhappy with me at this high weight (234 pounds this AM).  My feet hurt.. my hips are frighteningly sore, always. 

I know I keep being drawn back for a reason.  Today I am starting back.
I will not strive for any number of percentage.. right now I am just promising to eat much more raw fruits and veggies and much less processed crap.  I am ordering some good quality truly raw nuts (from Natural Zing) because I know they help me in the beginning.  I will make some dehydrated crackers too.

I am having problems with my throat.. it's constantly sore and inflamed.    I was Dx a couple of years ago with a hiatal hernia and know it was brought on by binge eating in my past.  I have issues with it still from time to time (binge eating) and just yesterday got back from a cruise with my hubs and way over ate.. every day.. several times a day.. I feel pain in my throat and upper chest and have bad heart burn..

I am going to go several hours today without eating a thing to just give myself a rest.. then I am having raw fruit for a late lunch and raw veggies for dinner..

I am sad.. and scared and so tired of being fat and unhealthy.  I am turning 50 this year.. in December.  I want to give myself a wonderful gift of health.. and weight loss.