We took a quick little three night cruse on the Norwegian Sky. I just got so tired so quickly each day. I am so heavy that it makes life in general hard and when we are doing something that keeps me really active all day It really is so obvious to me how this fat holds me back. I felt like I wasted each night because as my husband was just gearing up to go to the casino.. around 10PM.. I had to go to bed.. exhausted.
The cruise had lots of active things we could have done at night.. dancing at several bars.. even salsa instructions (I would have LOVED that but I am too fat and even if I DID have the energy I would have felt too self conscious). There was a supposedly great comedian on the ship but he was adults only and at 10:30 PM and I was always just too tired. I would have loved to just go to the piano bar and slow dance with my husband but I had zero energy after about 8pm and it got worse each day.. I did good to do anything.
The first night we just pigged out and drank booze and then I had to go to bed.. fun, yes I am so much fun.
My reasoning was because I would need all my "energy" for the next day. Norwegian owns a private island "Stirrup Cay".. We had originally wanted to kayak.. and maybe snorkel.. but I would have none of that.. just too much for me. I am 100+ pounds overweight.
We decided to hike around a bit... to check out the island and I made it a while.. longer than I thought I would. I estimate maybe we walked a mile out and a mile back.. on the way back I was bitching and could hardly get my breath.. we then found a little cove that was pretty private.. there was a woman there sunbathing topless and I wished I had a good body so I could have done something like that.. it was such a private island.. I don't blame her. Another reminder of how my fat body does not fit my life's plan. I want to be fun and sexy and live an adventurous life too.. but I am wasting it in this fat suit.
Anyway we got in the water in the little cove.. there were only maybe two other people there. We swam a bit and DH sweetly picked me up and held me on top of the water... I remember thinking I wish he could do this out of the water.. I am so huge though, I just looked down at my huge fat body as he was doing it and instead of feeling sweet and sexy I was of course self conscious.
I enjoyed the swim so much.. I felt so light and free.. then when we walked out of the surf.. with each step the heaviness of my body was more apparent. Feeling the difference from being so light in the water to just so heavy in just a few steps.. well I just felt so enormous then.. I could really feel my full weight and what a hardship it is on me. I felt sad. This second was when I decided I wanted to get back to raw.. all the amazing fruit offered on the Island didn't hurt either! I ate nothing but raw fruit for lunch.. at least for that meal I did something nice for my body.
That night we pigged out again.. on one of the buffets.. I didn't even really enjoy it that much.
The next day we went to the Atlantis. We walked the Dig and walked a bit more.. until I was exhausted (pretty quickly) and then sat and had lunch.. I had a raw salad and a bottle of Perrier.. LOVE that bubbly so much. I was proud of myself. Then on our way back to the boat, walking thru a little shopping area and found these Tortuga Rum Cakes we had bought on our previous cruise.. they taste amazing and I ate two of them and then had ice cream too.. by the time we were back on the cruise.. I was having horrid.. seriously bad heart burn.. I know all the pigging out I have done inflamed my hiatal hernia issue and let thru lots of acid.. the next AM I actually could feel burns in my throat.. I was afraid.. and angry with myself for not ever having any fucking self control.. to the point I was actually physically hurting.
When we got back we went to SouthBeach when we left the boat.. I had originally planned on walking lots that day.. I love SouthBeach so much but I could only make it about 8 blocks… we sat and had breakfast.. I had raw fruit (yeah!).. and then we headed home.. that was last night.. and last night I quickly ate two of the rum cakes when we unpacked them.. I know I have an issue with sweets.. I felt bad and asked DH to please hide them so we can actually GIVE them as gifts..
I made a cooked meal last night but woke with strong resolve to change this AM. I am going to quit putting food before my health.. I love myself more than any damn fucking food. I remember my last foray into Raw - how I became so in touch with my body.. It was good.. and bad. I know it will help in the long run.. I know I have so much crap I have “dealt with” in my life by stuffing it down with food.
The last time I came off Raw I had a horrid emotional detox day (emotional detox is very real and for anyone that has had any type of abuse it can be very hard) that day was incredibly scary and painful. I had these incredible feelings of what felt like a dark evil around me.. I felt rage and hate. It scared the shit out of me and the next day I stopped.. just stopped Raw at all. I just gave in and quit.
I will promise myself to face this stuff as it comes up this time.. I have to feel it. I just do.
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