Scroll down for my bitch fest...
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RANT:
Last night I screwed up big time. I ate a nasty damn sandwich I had been trying to talk myself out of all day yesterday (temptation mentioned in yesterday's post - should have thrown out the makings for the damned thing~!) with lots of nasty mayo and gross globby, fake plastic cheese all the while asking myself WTF is wrong with my fat ass that I find this shit/crap food GOOD?! Fuck me.
I am so SO mad at myself that this morning I woke up and decided to fast today.. . This shit sucks, I have got to get my ass together.
My back is hurting bad again, I can not sit for very long and even laying down it’s hard to get comfortable. What if my discs in my back are wasted because of this weight.. this really pisses me off.. I am hurting my body with this fucking disgusting FAT! I have got to get this flab OFF. I seriously know that I would feel so much better without lugging around an extra 100 pounds! Damn it!!!
I am tired of this shit. No more bringing crap in the house. I am making DH a sandwich to take to work for breakfast and the rest of the crap is going in the TRASH!… fucking ate lots of kettle shit chips too.
Sooooo..... Fasting today with lots of green tea (already made it.. something about the green tea helps keep my appetite at bay, I think it’s because it is slightly bitter, I actually like it on ice).. DH and I got some of the green tea with the popped rice in it.. I like to drink it hot, it’s actually good.. tastes a little like popcorn.. it makes for a bit more mild and rich flavor. I will be reading and relaxing a lot today. Tomorrow I will have fruit all day until dinner and for dinner I will have coconut (one of the Raw Thai Young ones from the Oriental mkt). I need to plan what I can do for Patrick..
I am so damned sick of this gross ass FAT. Why do I keep on screwing around?
Rant over...
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So it's noon and I am really not hungry. I am starting to feel a little less angry with myself. I know I need to really do some soul searching and figure out what seems to be keeping me in the self sabotage.
I have been reading more of my Raw food movement sites. Working on Angela Stokes "Revealing the Physical Changes" ebook that I downloaded. I have several of her books from her RawReform site. She has lost over 150 pounds. Right on Angela. You are a true inspiration..
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I laid in the sun on my chaise and read for about 45min.. drifted off to sleep for a few minutes. I had a couple of interesting thoughts I wanted to write about.
In the past I have wavered between the “kind and gentle” “love yourself no matter what” and the harsh, prideful, hard on myself, angry view of my reality. I hate being fat. I hate the fat on my body.. I HATE the fat.. not myself.
I came to the reality today it’s ok to feel these feelings. I am not hurting myself admitting that I am sick of this shit… that I am wasting my life in this flab. I realized that the harsher look at what I am doing to myself, my life, my BODY is ok! It's freaking OK! It's REAL. I HAVE TO LIVE IN A LITTLE REALITY FOR A FUCKING CHANGE.. Seriously I am not doing myself any favors feeling all sweet and fluffy and gentle about my body, my life. Having this sing songy (for lack of a better description) attitude.. It's like seeing my flab thru rose colored glasses! I am not really LOOKING at myself.. Not admitting what I have done to myself, I have truly just put my life on hold, been totally self indulgent for MONTHS!. This fat acceptance shit has got to go. I truly need to lose 100 pounds (as of this morning I weigh 222# and am only 5' 4". I need a little more truth in my life. I need TO REALLY SEE MYSELF! This is some serious shit.
Girl it's time to....
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