Working on Staying In The Now

I have SUCH a hard time just being.. just being in the now.  I am constantly thinking about how my life will be so much better in the future that I am certainly not enjoying every day I am LIVING RIGHT NOW.

I have really been suffering.. my back is out.. I hurt it pretty seriously ... I think while pulling a what I thought was dead azelia bush out of the ground.. it didn't want to come and I didn't give up.  And I am in some horrid pain and the pain and inflammation have also caused an Inflammatory Bowel flare.. it's been like the most mind blowing pain the last few days of my life.. but I realized today that all of this could really help me if I would just realize and accept I have done this to myself.. with my weight being so out of control and me being such a ridiculous couch potato.  I know If I can remember these days it will help me.  I tend to just forget all the struggles and pain as soon as it is gone.. and although in the past I've obviously had good intentions, once I forget and get over the pain I've had from time to time and start to get better, I get complacent.

Somehow I have to really remember this crap and use it to my advantage.  So  I am going to really focus on the NOW.

Well I can certainly write about the freaking AGONY I've been in lately.. and I need it documented so when I DO FEEL BETTER I might remember.. this back pain.. half my entire back is seized up.. from my waist all the way down to my tailbone.. I can hardly walk.  I also have pain in what I think is my SI joint.. down in my butt cheek.  It's deep and feels heated and angry.

Worst of all is the sharp front thigh pain. it feels stabbing and travels down the front of my thigh.  I know it's probably the sciatic nerve and it scares me most of all.  I know my poor spine and it's discs are smashed from the extra 100 pounds I am carrying around on my small frame.. I am barely 5' 4".  I've been carrying around this extra 100 pounds for 17 years.

I am also dealing with depression and agoraphobia to some extreme.. I am not sure it's truly agoraphobia because I do leave the house but if I can put it off or think of any reason not to go I do.. or if I can get my hubs to do it for me I do.  It's depression I know and lately it's worse than ever with this pain.. and not leaving the bed or recliner for almost two weeks now unless I absolutely have to... which I do to make our raw breakfasts or lunches.. or sometimes a raw dinner here or there.. I am TRYING.. I am making an effort but it feels monumental to even walk to the kitchen right now.  I have this bone deep pain and I feel so much sadness and I feel almost helpless.. but I know I'm not.

I know raw food helps.. I know I can do this for myself.. thankfully.

Ok.. wow. well there is enough living in the now for me.. for today.