In the Spirit of Honest Transparency...

I want and need this blog to be a totally transparent and honest look at what I go thru in this transition. It’s with that in mind that I am writing this entry.

I first want to say that I KNOW I can and will do this and I don’t want anyone reading this to get discouraged. We all have what it takes to make it in this amazing health endeavor, I absolutely believe that 100%.


Some of us struggle more than others. I was hoping I was going to be one of the ones I have read about that had a fairly easy transition.. but unfortunately I am not.
　
　
I am in PAIN!

Well the last two days (Sunday and Monday) have been a cooked food festival at my house. My body does not handle cooked anywhere NEAR as well as it used to – already!.


I am actually up 5 pounds in two days. Even more scary to me is the fact that I could tell my blood pressure was WAY up and I have had a bad IBD flare the last two days also. This Pain Sucks – I have not had a flare at all in any of the last two months of Raw..


I was very afraid last night.. I am quick to forget this pain if I go a few weeks without it. Anyone with IBD (gastro thinks it’s Crohn’s) knows what I am talking about. I also had a bad headache and I could intuitively tell/feel that it had to do with my blood pressure. I have an extra 5 pounds of fluid on my body all of a sudden and it’s amazing how sick I got this quick.. I know this excess weight is very hard on my heart and I VOW to get back on track RIGHT NOW!!!


My headache was so bad last night that I could not sleep. It was in the top 3 worse headaches I have ever had. In the middle of the night I broke down and took a BC powder and finally fell asleep. I know having all the excess liquid in my body is very hard on me and my blood pressure was up because of it. I instantly wanted to fast again this morning but I know part of the problem is that I am get too into excess. I want to fast or juice fast and I know I don’t need that right now.. I think part of my problem was not controlling myself when I came off my juice feast.

I really think I need to talk more about how my choice of food effects me.

I am so tied into food emotionally AND physically.. I seriously felt the worst the last two days than I have felt in a very, very long time… my body was NOT happy. I know I am harming myself. I am causing myself physical harm with some of my food choices but I have a hard time keeping the focus. I start to focus on other things.. like the holidays and things I want to cook.. and feeling like I am not a good wife if I don’t have the house filled with the smells of something cooking for my husband when he gets home from work. I realize lately that so much about the house being filled with the smell of cooked food feels like love to me (or from me to him). I spent the entire day yesterday reading about recipes and imagining the things I wanted to cook my husband for the Fall. I totally threw aside my Raw plans and goals. Very quickly.


I see and feel the good I do when I am on Raw. I felt great… very light and was starting to have tiny glimmers of the bliss they talk about. I do think I need more guidance on how to do this without having blood sugar issues. I know more salads and less sweet fruit. I can figure it out but I think this is one of the worries in the back of my mind. I know as I lose weight my blood sugar will automatically get better.


I have got to stop killing myself with food… my poor body was so bloated my blood pressure skyrocketed.. I am sure it was really, really high. In a way I am glad my body did this to me. If I felt good I probably would not be so ready to get right back on right away.. It’s been 2 days only.. I can get the momentum back.


I FEEL SO NUMB INSIDE RIGHT NOW.. well except for the IBD pain. I still am having pain. It feels like pretty good menstrual cramps only now.. so I know from experience if I am careful with what I put in my mouth (I used to fast when I had a flare) I will be on the mend but I feel sad inside. I know I let myself down. I am sad.. very sad. SAD! S.A.D. makes me sad. I feel like crying almost. I really let myself down. I did not take care of and love myself.


I tried to numb myself again.. I remember sitting there the last night I stayed on my juice feast and seriously throwing a little temper tantrum.. I let my little inner child (she is keeping me fat) dictate to me that night. I decided "I just can’t do this anymore" (I had almost made it an additional day). and ate dinner.. a cooked vegan meal.. nuts and a banana. BUT then Sunday It started a roll of two days of eating and reading about food and totally immersing myself into food… I also had something frightening family wise come up that pushed me on that next day.. I gave in to emotional eating very much. It just started to snowball.


I decided I would give up Raw till the new year and "celebrate the season".. Cook all my old favorites "one last time".. hoorah! I went on my TV and started to record all these food cooking channels (I just deleted them) and just totally decided to change back to my old ways, overnight.


It is amazing how my psyche worked against me. It’s like I was coming up with these reasons to NOT continue and my psyche was showing me things in support of that .. the season is here, the Fall foods.. cooking and the house smelling nice when Patrick gets home. Like that’s the only way I can show him I love him. With some cooked meal. I can show him I love him by helping him be healthy too.. and having a nice uncooked meal when he gets home!


I know I can also make my psyche work FOR me.. I decide I am RAW again and it will show me ways to do this.. the universe WILL support me I am very sure of that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Food Today:
-1 Orange.. I remember thinking I can't wait till citrus season!  We live in the middle of a bunch of groves.. this poor orange was sad and dry.  December will bring wonderful ruby grapefruit and different types of oranges.. Yummo
-an apple
-another apple a couple of hours later
-and then another apple
-about 2:45pm I had about 3/4 C of raw cashews (was feeling pretty hungry..) they held me till about 4:30pm..
-then I had 3 very small yellow sour mangos.  They were surprisingly good to me today!
-DH is picking up a baked potato (dry) with broccoli and chives from Wendy's (don't have anything much else to eat in the house and didn't feel well enough to get to the store today).. I will add a T of CO to it for my butter..

Day Six of my Juice Feast Experiment (and my last day)~

Tra la la la la... the weekends almost hereYA!

Good Morning my lovely Raw friends!!!!!


Well, hummm..
I am not a happy camper right now. It seems like I am constantly having to drink juice in order to not feel like I am extremely hungry. It’s really getting on my nerves, seriously. I wondered if it was my blood sugar being low because I am working hard to make sure I don’t use much fruit but I am still using at least 3-4 servings of fruit a day.. I think my body is just not happy on just juice right now. I think I am pushing myself too hard. I really truly just started raw. Under two months ago.

I have gone from a huge meat and cheese eater (low carb/Atkins) to a High Raw vegan in less than two months… plus I gave up diet sodas and recently quit smoking. I think I do need to end this tomorrow.. it was started as an experiment I have to remind myself. I do not believe in setting myself up for failure.


I admire so many of you that have done this for 30-60-90+ days! I just am in awe of you. I just don’t think it’s the time for me yet. I secretly had wanted to make it until Halloween.. (would have been 21 days) and had sort of set that goal in the back of my mind but I don’t think it’s time yet.

I AM proud of what I have done and I will finish out today but I am coming off tomorrow AM.. with fruit until noon – I want a fruit salad! And it’s interesting.. I am craving celery and I normally don’t like celery by itself. I wonder what that is about.?

I will sure keep reading about you and your commitment to your juice feasts - Breeze El and Steve.. you two are really inspiring. ! If anyone is reading this and is also doing a juice feast for a while I really want to know.. please comment so I can read your blog as well!


I have had some more interesting detox the last couple of days.
I am getting a couple of crusty spots on my legs. I think this is old eczema presenting itself.
My eyes are really red and very irritated. I have had to use eye wash a few times
I have lumps that came up in my arms and legs! They were massaged out though.. I am not sure what they were. A couple on my biceps and a couple on one of my thighs. I worked them out pretty much.


Juice Today
Grapefruit and lemon with stevia and 1 teaspoon MSM
Apple and chard (this was good.. I really like chard in my juice)
Apple and cucumber and lemon and parsley – divine!
And that’s just by 9:30am.. I did wake up at 5am this morning but that’s allot of juice for me in the AM.


Will update the rest soon...

Peace Out!

Day 5 of My Juice Feast Experiment..

I  felt like this pix really represents how I felt last night!

Ok.. wow, last night was epic hard. Emotional detox does seem pretty serious to me now! I actually had what felt like fits of rage and then deep dark depressed feelings.

It was honestly horrid and if I didn’t know it was surely emotional detox I would have been very worried about my mental health. I just felt like screaming and throwing things one minute and then would feel very down the next. I wanted to eat food SO bad! I mean I had to stay totally out of the kitchen and ask my DH to bring me juice and hot tea. I finally just went to bed at 9pm (early for me) just to call it a day.

Anyway this morning I am feeling pretty down again and just sort of hollow. VERY drained and slept in two hours. When I finally got up, right away made some fruit juice.. I used low GI.. 2 apples and a lemon and it’s SO good.. I am going to see if I can do another day.. I had originally planned at least 6 days and today is only 5.
I am pretty sure I can make it a couple more days.


Argument with DH yesterday:
My DH and I got in a fight.. We truly don’t fight that often. While we were fighting he then told me that he thinks I don’t like me life because I am trying to change so much.

It confused me because I have actually been trying to lose weight for several years. He has always supported me. He’s not the most verbally supportive but he does not complain about any meals or changes in meals or having to provide for himself for a few nights if I am not making a meal.

I have actually struggled with my weight ever since we met. I was about 45# over weight when we met and I gained almost 50# the first two years of our marriage.. He has to know how important this really is to me.. part of me thinks he thought I would never do it and he got comfortable with the fat me and now he is uncomfortable with the changes coming in me..

I know he does not like change and I am certainly going thru major changes. Could he really be so cliché as to be jealous that other men might look at me as I lose my weight. He truly does not seem the type. He has never had a jealous or envious bone in his body. He is very self-assured.

We have a very close marriage. Surely he knows I would never jeopardize that. We had a talk last night and although he assures me it’s just the change (he even commented he likes my more "Zen personality" his words) I wonder.

If he has never seen me much more slim than this (another 10# and I will be less weight than when we met) will he feel like I am a different person than he fell in love with? Could he have been attracted to me because of my weight? (he said "I don’t think so" ).. I sure hope he will embrace the new me because I am NOT EVER going back!!

Juice Today:



-2 apples and a lemon juiced
-pineapple and spinach juiced (really good)
-2 lemons juiced with 1 t msm and stevia
will update more later…

Body Image...

Well I have been wanting to talk about body image for a while.  I think it's very important to be able to visualize where you want to be.. shape wise. 


I wanted to post this Rihanna video because I love it and also I love her shape.  She has the perfect body IMO.   Plus.. this video makes me get up off my ample arse and move.  Can't beat that.  Oh and I really dig the zebra...

Day Four of My Juice Feast/Fast~

This is going to be a long post.. I have so much I want to write about!

Today I reached a personal goal.. I am now at the weight I was the day my DH and I married 12 years ago. This was my first weight goal and it’s taken me a year and a half.
I feel so proud, so amazed that I am finally freeing myself of the oppression of my fat. I know, to me oppression is a pretty serious word but I set here trying to think of a word that describes how it feels to me to be fat and it feels.. "to be held down " to me. I have so many emotions I am going thru right now.. it’s like they are all whirling around inside and every once in a while one will surface and then swirl away then another will surface and go and another. I don’t think I have even begun to actually scratch the surface.

Temptation:Well yesterday I was on the phone with my sis "S" and we were talking about getting together for Thanksgiving. I said I wanted to make some good raw cranberry sauce and maybe I could figure out a way to make dressing in a Vegan way and started thinking about the holidays and started to feel SORRY for myself and for a fleeting minute was tempted to just call it a day with the juice fast and make something "wonderful" for my DH for dinner. I always feel guilt when I am really restricting my eating because I can’t cook for him.. I just can’t. (he us eating Amy’s vegan meals right now).

I have used feeding him a nice meal as a reason to go off my plan, many times... whatever. I got over it quickly but I know as the weeks go by it’s going to be more and more difficult. I want to get healthy and slender. I am thru with excuse-making, rationalization and BS.. Sabotage and such. I am thru with willful ignorance. There is so much I want to do with my life but I feel stagnant because of this FAT. I feel in limbo.. like I am not really living.

Thankful for the VAULT!
These weigh in’s in the Vault are really going to help me. I’ve never been a "joiner".. I am much more of a loner but I am glad I did this. The accountability is already helping my commitment.
I know I can make several wonderful raw things for the holidays I am just not ready to start thinking about them NOW!

In the World of Weird:
I laid down for a few minutes yesterday afternoon and before I knew it I had slept for an hour and a half.. had a weird sort of quick dream (only thing I can remember) a door opening and a voice saying "Welcome Home"... I didn't see anyone in my dream.. but it was a male voice.  Interesting and honestly it freaked me out a bit!

More dreams:
Dreams last night.. I felt more like they were sad memories and I actually woke up after each of them.. I had two dreams. Both of them were from when I was in my 20’s.
I felt sad for what I had been thru (my 20’s were pretty horrid years) and started to think about how loved I am now.. and knew I needed to start the work on letting all that old heart ache fall away..
I think these are memories that are bubbling up for me to deal with as I do this cleanse.. I think I am sort of cleansing my soul. I realized that I have had lots of pain in the past.. more than I thought – or more than I have thought about in a long time. I was very alone back then and felt that way.. I also got very good and closing myself off and not feeling a thing. I think I am supposed to be working on that also.. feeling more.
I mostly feel I am supposed to honor the fact that I was very sad and hurt and alone and I made it thru. I found a great love and learned to love myself and now I have a very happy and comfortable life. I can let that all go now.. the past does not have to hold me down.Yesterday I was good in the Am, Low.. in the afternoon and nil at night.. even took a nap today.. sleeping during the day is not like me but since I have started Raw I have need naps during the day every once in a while.

Of Note:
I woke up twice last night to go to the bathroom.. I never do that. Didn’t’ feel like I got good rest.
-I am really sensitive to smells! I walked past the cat box and almost fainted. (well not really but you get the picture) and it’s been changed recently. Ugg.
-Yesterday I was not hungry for quite some time.. only got in two quarts of juice. It’s amazing how I can feel a bit shaky and need sustenance and drink juice and be good for 3+ hours.. it’s wonderful.
-I have this burgundy velvet size L hoodie I bought for inspiration and it was a bit cold this morning and I decided to try it on and it fits.. not tight at ALL.. can I get a Hell Yes!
-I had to have a serious nap yesterday again.. feel so blessed that I can actually lay down in the middle of the day but felt a twinge of guilt..

Detox:
Lots of itching and really tired yesterday. Emotional detox big time!

Food Today:
Juice with 2 apples, half an orange and half a lemon and 1 teaspoon MSM
Will update more as the day goes on

Lastly:
Ok.. TMI alert.. if you are squeamish (I am) stop reading now, ok?

Ok.. I am a southern girl and was raised to not talk openly about "potty issues" and still feel very uncomfortable about it.. but I am here for my Raw friends and wanted to discuss this because I think it's very important. I have to tell you I did a coffee enema yesterday. Lets just say I was successful.. I want to say that I am very surprised I decided to do this. I actually bought an enema bag a year ago during a gall/liver cleanse and could never convince myself it was needed. After doing research on the reason for coffee enemas.. I was sold. If you believe you would never want to do such a thing - well do some research. And believe me if I can do an enema anyone can.. I am extremely squeamish.
I was able to actually hold it for about 8 min. the whole 4C. Which I have read is impressive for your first attempt *pats myself on the back* I didn’t get the full 15 min in! I all of a sudden felt these familiar little waves on my lower back that signal I have to go BAD – I have felt these before with Senna tea.. I got up off my little bathroom pillow bed and plopped myself down on the toilet. Ok.. just wow is all I can say. It went on for about 5-7 min – I just set there and smiled.. proud of myself for being able to do this.. I was surprised how much rushed out.. considering I have had no solid food in 3 days now..
　
Ok!  Signing off now!
　
　

Day Three of My Juice Feast Experiment~

St. Pete Beach - where I grew up...

Good Morning,


It's such a beautiful morning here, I hope it is for you as well.
So far I have lost 2 pounds.. I was a little bummed I didn’t see more weigh tloss on the scale this morning..


I am not discouraged though! I can tell my body is smaller. My waist is smaller.. this morning I was stretching in the first light of day (felt a bit blissful I have to say) while Suki went to the bathroom and put my hands on my hips when I was done with my stretches and could tell my waist is smaller… and ya.. patrick commented about my smaller tush a couple of days ago too!


This morning I woke and was a little shaky and decided to try fruit juice just by itself.. I chose 2 apples and juiced them in my Lalanne. I was a bit apprehensive because I have NOT had any plain fruit juice (with out veggies added in the juice too) yet. I used to have blood sugar (borderline) issues and always try to stay mindfull of that now. I am hoping that having them first thing in the AM and choosing low GI fruit will be ok.


I really felt like I needed it right away when I woke. I feel better now also.
It seems surprising to me that so far this juice feast has been pretty easy (last night was not THAT easy when I smelled Patrick’s dinner) I have done very low cal diets (1000 cal and lower) in the past and it’s sheer torture. I was always hungry and thought constantly about food..


I am pretty sure I am not taking in even 1000 cal (I have also had problems getting ALL my juice in). I don’t know if it is that juicing actually makes it easier or if I am just freaking resolved..


I am sick of being fat and unhealthy. Whatever it is, I am feeling very strong willed for sure.


I really would like to extend this and do 21 days or so. I was talking to Patrick about it this morning.

My intention is to try to maintain my weight thru the holidays with High Raw with cooked vegan also. I can think of LOTS of gourmet Raw I want to try.. but the fat from avo and nuts and seeds and the sugar in agave and maple are very full of calories and I can’t really lose much weight eating that way.


I was thinking I could do this juice feast as long as I can.. until the end of Oct. or the first week in Nov.. and then start to plan our contributions to our family’s Thanksgiving meals (we travel North to my Sister's) and planning of other meals that have a holiday feel. I really have to STILL feel that it is holiday season to be able to stay on my plan. If I start to feel deprived I will stray from my path.. I have learned over the years to be real with myself.


I have seen SO MANY wonderful ideas for Raw meals and think I will do some cooked winter veggies like roast pumpkin and onion, etc.. I can certainly stay High raw and eat a little cooked vegan.

Lets see.. more about yesterday.. I was very tired last night.. sort of had a spacey, disconnected feeling. My legs had a deep ache before bed too.

I DID wake up an hour and a half earlier this morning than I did yesterday. My sleep is pretty erratic right now.Will post more as the day progresses.


11:45am
I am not hungry at all.. after my bit of apple juice this morning I have not had any hunger at all. It’s very interesting.. I am wanting to just not eat - well not drink.. to do more of a juice fast then feast.

I am not concerned about "starving".. I have plenty of "energy" in my body in the way of little fat cells. I wonder if I could go into ketosis and just do mostly veggie juices?

I just want this weight off. I have been reading about fasting in my "The Live Food Factor" and although I have never fasted on water alone, and not sure I would when I could have a nice fresh juice when I got hungry, I honestly don’t see why I need to drink that much juice (4 quarts a day) if I am not hungry.

Should I not just listen to my body?

Day Two Of My Juice Feast Experiment~

A beautiful carved squash by Francesco Scravaglieri

Good Morning!

Yes, day one was a success!! I am thrilled.Wow, it was NOT hard.

I am sure it will get harder but I was thrilled the first day was a breeze.

My DH actually hugged me last night, grabbed my tush and commented that he could tell I have lost weight!... this made my entire month. Seriously. He is a wonderful man in so many ways but I don't get many comments like that. I fell asleep with a huge smile on my face.

I overslept this morning, I almost never do that but I have noticed since I started Raw that I am sleeping more.

I didn't get all my juice in yesterday.. about 2 and 1/2 quarts (supposed to get in 4 quarts of juice alone.. not counting herb teas and water).. but I did drink lots of water and a couple of cups of herbal tea... will do better today.

The MSM and lemon juice water is too bitter for me so I added a couple drops of stevia to it.

I was bummed this morning because one of the 3 pomegranates I bought (expensive babies!) was bad.. you could not tell until it was cut open.

Yesterday and today I had a bit of stomach cramping on my very first juice of the day. I wonder if it's because they are too cold?

It’s 4:30pm and I am officially very hungry.. first time in two days. I just made myself a tomato, apple, herb greens mix juice and it’s good but I am still jonesing for some food..
I have found myself grinding my teeth this afternoon.. I think I am already missing chewing.. I am "chewing" my juice like I am supposed to though.

I won’t be giving in.

I have had a bit of nausea today. I know it’s a detox symptom. It’s not bad, just slight. Have diarrhea… actually I’ve had diarrhea for six weeks.

I have kind of a spacy, disconnected feeling. I am tired, I could sleep but I feel like reading. I am also cold.. It’s 80deg in the house (have the air turned way up) and I am cold.. that’s just not me.. I am always hot. I had to put a sweater on. Crazy.

Several times today I would go to the freezer to get ice for my juice and see my huge stash of raw nuts and want them badly! I took them all out, put them in opaque bags so I could not see them and that did the trick the rest of the day.

Keeping the kitchen clean with all this is surprisingly difficult! Lots (most) juice feasters make all their juice first thing in the AM and are done.. I decided to make it as I wanted it and that way I could decide to make just what I wanted at that time but that means I am constantly cleaning the kitchen, the floor, the countertops and cabinet fronts, the Vitamix, the juicer and all my knives.. etc.. It’s insane.

8 pm: I am very tired, hungry but determined, have a heavy ache in my legs and slight achy fullness under my right breast (liver?).. I have had this feeling before and usually done a gall/liver cleanse and had it help allot. Will just wait it out.. hope it’s just my liver getting in a good detox.　



Juice today:
-Stevia, lemon water, msm (needed stevia.. it’s bitter)
-Papaya, pomegranate, cuc, romaine, agave, juice (looked like muddy water, not pretty but very good
-Green lemonade – lemon, raspberry agave, greens powder
-Heirloom tomato, 2 apples, herbs mix salad
-Cuc, heirloom tomato, parsley, carrot, celery (this juice separated bad.. did everything in juicer except parsley with a little water in vitamix and then strained.. greens don’t do good in my Jack Lalane juicer.. Wonder if it separated because I used two diff. Appliances?
-Herbal spice tea with stevia
-Coconut water from one thai coconut (I look forward to this every day! Wish we could have these every day!)